Stolen moments

He looks so darling while he's asleep, doesn't he? He's been napping for an hour already this morning. And the godawful smell of roasting garlic is once again seeping through the floorboards from the apartment below. It's not even ten a.m..

I used to love the smell of roasted garlic. But then we moved here and I got knocked up. It's like everything changed then. For some reason my neighbor always makes garlic/onion smells early in the morning, and it was so unappealing to me in my enhanced aroma detection state that it now remains largely unappealing to me. I thankfully mind it much less now if it's coming from my own oven, say around dinner time. But in the morning, while I'm still working on my coffee, and without enough sleep.... It's almost the last thing I want to smell. I do sometimes wonder what the hell that guy's eating every day though.

I am lucky that the little dude often sleeps through the night. Going to sleep around 9pm and sleeping right on through till about 5ish. Last night though, he woke up at 3:30. I mean, it's still not too bad, but I couldn't get back to sleep after I gave him a quick nursing. Everyone else in the apartment was back asleep before 4 and there I was tossing and turning till almost 6. And you know he woke up at 6:45 while Todd was in the shower.

We're at a weird stage in the little dude's sleep development. He doesn't really need to nurse in the middle of the night, and I believe that 8 months of sleeping in a mini-cosleeper in our tiny not-even-a-real-room-more-of-a-nook-off-the-kitchen is enough. But I know that Todd doesn't have the heart for letting him cry himself to sleep in his own crib in his own room on the other side of the apartment. And I'm not sure I do either. That said, I also do not really have the stamina to try the modified ferber method either. Patting and holding for a few minutes and timing and things and blah blah blah.

I'm no hippy dippy momma. I only chose the cosleeper arrangement because I was breastfeeding and I was too lazy to haul my ass to the other side of the apartment whenever the little lump needed nursing (which was like all the time for the first 12 weeks or so). I grew accustomed to having him there, smiling and cooing at me in the morning. Staring at me as he drifted off to sleep. Months ago we detached the cosleeper and put it on Todd's side of the bed. I was exhausted after months of nighttime care ( in Todd's defense he did help as much as he could in the early weeks- but after a while I told him to try to get the sleep while he could because he had work in the morning.) and since he stopped nursing frequently at night I was prepared to let Todd deal with the occasional nighttime waking and fussing.

It's the kind of thing I wish I could talk to my mom about. It's why all of the books recommend having a network of female support.It's the reason mommy groups and blogs and all of that crap exist. I know what my mom would say.... Put him in his crib and let him cry. He'll be fine. She's sort of been saying that for months. She was shocked that at 3 weeks I nursed my baby on demand, when he'd start to cry. I tried to explain that he was a newborn, and that's what they do, and how quickly breastmilk metabolizes and .... It'd been over 30 years since she had a baby, and she never breast fed. It was all a foreign concept. I guess. I don't know.

I know he'd be fine if we did let him cry-it-out. And I've friends who've successfully done that with their own children. I don't think that they are monsters. I'm even a little envious of their steely nerve and commitment. The little dude has slept a few nights in his crib (which went spectacularly, by the way). But then he started teething and got a cold. It's crazy how the littlest things can derail a baby. I think it's time to move him back to his crib at night. Maybe see if he can soothe himself if he wakes and fusses a little. Everything I've read on the subject also recommends an earlier bedtime for his age. Which is great and all, but then Todd will get maybe an hour with the baby at night during the week. That makes me sad because Todd genuinely loves his time with Gibson. He relishes the cuddles and is enjoying the more active play which he is finally capable of. But mama needs more sleep. 9 hours a night is my optimum amount.

If that means rearranging our schedule and putting the baby down at 7 so be it. I'm not sure how dinner time will work, or what the sequence of events leading up to bedtime will be. All those little details will work themselves out.

I wish I could nap in the morning like the baby does. but in order for me to make it through the first hour or so, the feeding and his happy energy - I need my coffee. And then by the time he's ready to nap (which could be for 30 minutes, or could be 90, I never know) I'm wide awake and ready to go. I guess I'm not any more focused or concise though, because I just reread this and I'm all over the page. That's what happens when I need more sleep.